Leadership and How To Build Relationships
You: “I’m having trouble with team management.”
Advice: “You need to build relationships!”
You: “I have recently transferred to a new division, and the staff has a reputation of being resistant, what should I do?”
Advice: “You need to build relationships!”
You: “Staff meetings are unproductive and staff is unengaged. What should I do?”
Advice: “You need to build relationships!”
And what does my inner monologue say about this well-intended advice? “Useless.”
Building Relationships is about connecting professionally and personally to help others and allowing them to help you.
To tell a person to build relationships is as helpful as telling someone “drive carefully!” when they head out the door. The advice is well-intentioned, but -
It’s obvious. Of course we should, and generally intend to, do this.
It’s vague. What does that even mean?
And there is a third, potentially damaging reason to be careful with such advice:
It has the potential to place blame. - If the classroom behaviors are not going well, it must be because they haven’t tried to build relationships, or are not good at building relationships, or perhaps even don’t VALUE relationships.
I file this third reason in the same bin with the “FiNd YoUr WhY” advice. When professionals are feeling overwhelmed, discouraged, or otherwise down about their job, they are frequently advised to reflect on the reasons they took on this work in the first place (especially in education, where there’s a largely unspoken moral-high-road-sort-of-element at play). This places the blame for feeling dissatisfied professionally squarely on the shoulders of the person who has apparently lost their way, lost their focus, rather than on the legitimate, systemic problems that may be causing said dissatisfaction.
When I was a new team leader, I dutifully joined every social media page, scoured every blog I could find, mining for the information on what I should do first. As you might imagine, I got a lot of “build relationships first!” and not a lot of “and here’s how you do that.”
Sometimes they would advise me to do favors - make copies, build bulletin boards - and sometimes they would suggest collecting a list of favorite candies so I could shower sugary treats on the staff I was to work with. But I’m not sure such a transactional relationship would be the sort of relationship I was looking for.
So how do I build REAL, PROFESSIONAL relationships?
Every salesperson, cheerleader, and public speaker knows that the “client” needs to believe in you, believe you have their best interest in mind, before they will buy anything you are selling.
The heart of building relationships is not about what transactional service you provide. It is not about the quality of the chocolates you leave on their desks. It is about who you are and how you present yourself to the people you serve.
To break this down:
1. Be authentic and consistent
Whether your “clients” are a staff you lead, peers you mentor, or children you teach, people will spot a fraud a mile away. Be honest about who you are. Nobody needs another inconsistent situation or person in their lives. Be the same, authentic person all the time.
2. Be clear
Perception is reality. Absolute clarity in messaging is essential. More relationships have been sunk by misunderstandings and assumptions than we can imagine. Be clear in your communications, because clear is kind.
3. Be reliable and trustworthy
Do what you say, and say what you’ll do. Sometimes you will need to clarify what you will not do. That is also helpful. Don’t overpromise. Admit it when things are difficult.
4. Develop your leadership and relationship skills with intention
Like every other skill that matters, we must build these skills on purpose and with
goals in mind. It is not enough to just be a nice person or to have good intent.
Leading and supporting others requires muscles we have to consciously build.
5. Remember to nurture and sustain relationships you already have
Often our hyper-focus on the goals set before us can cause us to take existing relationships for granted. It is easy for us to become so concentrated on the mission at hand that maintaining relationships can seem like an unnecessary extra, perhaps even “fluff.” We must remember that building and maintaining relationships is not an extra thing, it is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to move a team - whether children or adults - toward a common goal.
There are no strategies, no ice breakers that can take the place of the real, meaningful, and supportive relationships that humans, by nature, crave. No amount of content knowledge that we might bring to the table can replace the value of an authentic, clear, and reliable human leading the way, or better yet, walking alongside.
You can be that human.
Gentle Breezes -
Shannon
PS: Wondering how you can build a leadership style that empowers your team, whether they are adults or students? Ready to get some actionable strategies and understandings that will make a difference? Email me at shannon.helgeson@agileideasleadership.com to see how we can help you and your organization move beyond the theory to real world solutions.
